Written on Friday 17th March:
Hugo’s in nursery, it’s a grey, rainy and cold day today and I’m nesting like a crazy lady. For some reason I felt the need to put down the boxes and take time out to express some of my thoughts that have been consuming me recently. Amongst all this craziness there’s a quietness today, with no-one else in the house and just myself to keep company. Soon though there will be another little life vocalising his needs within these walls and I am so excited.
Excited is definitely my most heightened emotion right now but I also feel anxious, with so many questions whizzing around my head.
Can my body do this?
Will my baby boy be delivered safely into this world?
How will Hugo react?
How will I get out the house with two when I’m always late now?
If I can’t keep up with household chores now how will I ever manage looking after all the washing a newborn creates too as well as the endless list of other jobs I need to do?
The answer to some of these questions is, ‘Because, we are women, we are mothers and yes we have superpowers that enable us to just do it all somehow. Yes we may freak out sometimes and if it was a competition we would win a medal for the most moaning to our partners but that’s only because we care about our family and homes so much. We may be running late but we get there somehow and you can bet the kids look like a million dollars while we didn’t have time to shower this morning. Motherhood is bloomin’ hard work but we get the best rewards anyone could ever receive and that’s the love from a child!’
Dress from the stylish women’s wear brand LEGOE who provide gorgeous maternity and non-maternity wear
I went for a growth scan two weeks ago and they measured this baby boy at 8lbs already and said he was on par with Hugo’s birth weight, give or take 10%.
A bit of context on Hugo’s birth as I never actually shared my birth story…
Hugo was 9lb 15.5oz… so basically a 10 pounder and he got stuck coming out and I remember being given one last push with the help of forceps before it was going to emergency c-section. It was a very long arduous labour with pre-labour contractions starting on the Saturday night so I couldn’t sleep, to full labour contractions on the Sunday night. My waters went very early hours Monday morning and I eventually gave birth Tuesday morning at 4.28am absolutely exhausted but ecstatic to have this little soul in my arms. I remember telling my husband Ayman, ‘I’m dying’ which you may think is a total over-exaggeration but honestly I actually thought I was. I can laugh at it now although the kind of pain I experienced has got me really freaking out that I’m about to put myself through it all over again.
I’m very, very anxious and I think it’s because of the unknown. I know I can’t guarantee that I’m going to have the perfect labour that I would love but the main thing in my head is I want this baby in my arms alive and well. If I end up having a c-section, epidural, stitches or whatever I don’t care as long as we are both here and ok.
I think I’m also a little hung up on what my sister Laura went through with the birth of my nephew Noah 13 months ago who came into the world in very difficult circumstances weighing 11lbs 4oz. You can read about it here but in summary, he got stuck in delivery and was starved of oxygen for five minutes meaning he needed cooling therapy treatment on his brain for 72 hours. He is absolutely fine now though with no signs of any brain damage which is amazing and he is everything a one-year-old should be.
Anyway I feel like I’m being really negative and I need to think and speak positivity over this whole birth and trust that everything will be ok and that my body knows what it’s doing. I just hope that he’s not as big as Hugo or, if he is, that my body is able to push him out naturally. I haven’t been given the option of a planned c-section but I’d really prefer to avoid that. What the doctors have planned is a sweep this Thursday and then to be induced on the Friday or Saturday… i.e. on or just after my due date. I’m not even overly keen on being induced though as I’d love for things to happen naturally but then I’m scared of having another huge baby and possible complications. Oh goodness, I’m just going to see how it goes after the sweep and then see how I feel about being induced as I don’t have to have it but the doctors have advised that I do. Everyone keeps saying that the second time is so much easier! I really hope that’s the case for me :).
It really helps ease my mind when I read positive birth stories like my sister-in-law Leilah’s with my nephew Ariyan (who arrived in January) and in more recent days Lauren from Hunters & Heels – she said it was amazing and really quick!
So to help this worrying mama (which is so not me by the way as I’m usually a positive thinker!) I have bought some hypnobirthing techniques / music to help me when labour starts. This was on recommendation from Lauren so I really hope it works for me in the same way :).
I’m praying hard about the whole birth process and that God will help us both through it and I keep speaking positivity over it all and to trust myself.
To accept that whatever birth method happens on the day is ok and not to get too hung up if it doesn’t happen the way I wanted it to happen.
Ok I’ve said it, I’ve openly expressed and rambled and it feels good to share and be honest.
For anyone reading this who’s pregnant for the first time, whatever birth you have there is no better feeling in the world than when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time. It is one of the most euphoric feelings that is indescribable and for that reason I would do it all over again time after time. It is so worth it! I said that straight after Hugo was born despite his traumatic birth and it’s so true and I’m actually about to do it all over again :).
Thanks for reading and who knows, the next time I write in this space we may be a family of four and have a little newborn snoozing beside me 🙂 Happy 39 weeks to me!
I’d love to hear some of your birth stories and any tips or recommendations to help me through it this time!
Sally & my big 39 week bump
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